– Sometimes I can see the sweat building on your upper lip from over here. – No, no, for me it's more of an internal thing. I don't think it's noticeable. Okay, well, I am off to speak publicly! I have recently learned that my ex-wife is getting married to a man that I accidentally introduced her to.
Suzanne met this man during my review of catfishing when I used his annoyingly perfect face to communicate with her. When she wanted to meet me, I kept up the ruse and produced Joe Dale, Jr.
, who, as it turns out, is a wealthy professional athlete. – Hello. – Soon after, they started dating. So he is a fraud, and she is a dupe. And not only that, he cheats on her.
..all the time. So, if that doesn’t have the makings of a memorable wedding speech, I don’t know what does. I set to work writing a speech to deliver at their rehearsal dinner, one that would completely derail this wedding of lies.
"Are marrying a stand-in for the man you really fell for." The speech I have written is a vicious, destructive act of character assassination. But that doesn't make it immune from the number one rule of public speaking: I gotta open with a joke.
Now, I remember that my late father-in-law Jack opened his toast at our wedding with a real doozy. So I’ve been combing through the home video of our wedding. I think I’ve got it. Let’s see that joke.
– Oh, but I think Forrest is a little nervous. Today he asked me what the wedding night was gonna be like, and I said, oh, don’t worry, it’s like a candy bar… – Oh, no, no, don’t tell– – Dad! Dad! – It’s like a candy bar.
Once you take the wrapper off, the next two minutes will be heavenly. [laughter] Love that joke! Seriously though, I love this guy. He’s a little weird sometimes.
I don’t always know what he’s talking about, but darn it, he–he makes my daughter happy, and that’s all a dad can ask for his kids. So, Forrest, I want you to promise that you’ll always keep my little girl happy.
Can you promise me that? – Yes, I promise. – Say it again. – I promise. – One more time. – I promise. – Thank you. May you two have many children, who will likely be the first generation to live in space.